[Fic] Berlin Snow
Feb. 12th, 2011 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leandraholmesOKay, I suppose it is 'safe' to talk about this as probably most of you have already seen it anyway. I could not believe it, didn't want to believe that this was really what people were reading into this. So... I tried to write an explanation.
(ETA: more and more evidence points toward this being really only a huge make up accident. Hm... that makes sense because while it *could* have been coke in his nose the stuff all OVER his face cannot. I was initially thinking it could be both, but of course, realistically, I like this new version much much better because OMG I was having a small freak out this morning. Phew!)
I just typed this up very quickly and it's not beta-read. If any of you would like to beta it please tell me. I'm sure there are tons of mistakes ;)
Title: Berlin Snow
Pairing: Pinto, mention of Grinto (Quoff? I hate both portmanteaus lol)
Rating: mild R for language
Genre: angst-ish
Summary: Chris is freaking out when he sees the pictures of Zach on the red carpet and draws a wrong conclusion.
Zach still stared at Chris as if he was seeing a mirage, unable to process with his clouded mind that his Star Trek co-star could really have gotten onto a plane and flown halfway across the planet for him. And the only explanation he could think of in that moment, at 5 am on a Sunday morning, was that something horrible must have happened. Or that he really was having a very odd dream.
"Chris... what are you d-"
"What I'm doing here? What I have to do!" he replied loudly, the door of the hotel room having barely closed before Chris started pacing a few steps through the entrance area.
Zach's hand reached for his head and he closed his eyes for a moment. "Could you please not shout like that? I have a headache."
"Oh yeah, I bet," Chris replied with a sarcastic, bitter snort. The situation Zach found himself in was so weird that he should have been overwhelmed with surprise and the need for an explanation, but the hammering in his skull as well as the shaky feeling in his legs prevented him from doing anything but slump back down on the edge of his bed and massage his temples until the throbbing pain had somewhat lessened.
"You really think I'd just stand by and watch you... you..." Chris flailed his arms in what seemed like an helpless effort to come up with words. "It's an intervention, Zach. Now you may think I stopped caring about you when things... ended, but that's not true! You were the one that completely stopped talking to me. And I didn't blame you. But I still care about you, and apparently I'm the only one that cares enough to get his ass on a plane and fly over here even when I have to be back in LA in thirty-six hours. So you're gonna listen to me now and you better listen good because I'm not leaving until you promise me something."
"Chris please, stop yelling. My skull feels like it's gonna fucking burst."
"I'M NOT YELLING!" Chris shouted and then added, still forcefully but a little quieter: "I mean... how do you expect me to stay calm at... at this?"
"Chris, I'm really glad we've established that you don't hate me but can you please tell me what the hell this is all about?" Zach barely more than whispered, not fully able to look back up at Chris and continuing to massage his temples.
"Well, I dunno, you tell me. Your new lifestyle maybe?"
Zach was simply too exhausted and numbed to make any reasonable connections, and a part of him did indeed consider the option that he was in some sort of feverish delirium. It wouldn't be the first time his mind had conjured Chris showing up when he wasn't conscious.
"Is this... is it about Jon?" he tried, finding it incredibly difficult to even form words right now.
Chris gave another bitter, snorted laugh. "Yeah that's a fine new boyfriend you have there, by the way. Looks like he doesn't give a shit and simply lets you do whatever you want."
The words caused a small wave of anger rush through Zach although they still didn't seem to make any coherent sense. Despite the pain that was not lessening he sat up a little straighter and looked up at Chris in defiance. "And who the hell are you to allow yourself to judge the person I'm dating?"
"Apparently someone with more brains!" he spat out angrily. "Now wait a minute, was it maybe he that got you to do that shit? Oh that's just great. You know, when I heard I first thought okay, I can live with that. The guy seems nice from what I've heard about him. But now... Oh man. I really thought better of you than being so stupid."
Anger mixed with more confusion as Zach watched Chris pace up and down the space in front of the bed, and finally he was able to force himself to ask the right questions. "Okay Chris. I give up. I really have no idea what the hell you're talking about. If you only came here to insult the guy I'm dating then I don't really give a damn if you still care about me or not. You're way out of line. And if your incomprehensible words had some other kind of hidden meaning that I can't wrap my mind around then please tell me as if I was five years old so that we can get whatever this is out of the way. What. Do. You. Want?" That really had cost him a lot of energy, and Zach was hardly able to fight the urge to simply let himself fall backwards onto the mattress and curl up in a fetal position until the pain would stop.
Chris just stared at him for a moment, his brow furrowed, his eyes tight slits of cold blue fury. Then, something in him seemed to crumble as he knelt down front of Zach and put a hand on his knee. “I want you to be okay,” he exclaimed with what almost sounded like a sob. “I want you to... to come home again and for everything to be as it was. And I want you to be alright and not... not, “he fished for words, “corrupted by the dubious characters you call your friends, like mediocre fashion models or whoever got you to go down that road. Because you're better than that and smarter than to do something so stupid as taking coke. And I'm just not gonna let you - “
“What?” Zach felt utterly dumbfounded, and the option that this really was a dream, one of those messed up, confusing and utterly irrational half-nightmares, seemed pretty likely. If it wasn't for how real Chris' hand on his knee felt, how real the familiar scent was and how real his voice sounded that had become hoarse with worry, regret and, he could have sworn, suppressed tears. The message, however...
“What makes you think I'm taking cocaine?” he asked, bewildered.
Chris shook his head and sighed. “I saw the pictures Zach. And I know who you associate with. And I talked to Joe before Christmas and he said you were having a 'rough phase'. Don't you think I can add two and two together?”
“Nooo, because...” Zach replied slowly, trying to wrap his mind around what he had just heard. “What pictures?”
“The pictures of you with coke up your nose that are all over the internet now. You may have broken ties with me last summer, but I... well I keep track on you. I read stuff, okay? Just needed to know how you're doing and apparently you're doing anything but well otherwise you wouldn't use that shit. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything because I know this is at least partially my fault, but you can't be doing this to yourself. You just can't and I won't let you because, damnit Zach, I still love you and I wish I could take everything back and start over but...”
Bursting out laughing when someone that once meant a great deal to you – still did – was close to tears must be the most horrible thing you could do. Still, Zach couldn't prevent it and felt relieved chuckles bubble from his chest as he let himself fall back onto his bed, covering his eyes and shaking his head at how ridiculous and perversely hilarious this whole situation was.
“Why... are you laughing?” It sounded more confused than reproachful and caused further giggles to come over Zach's lips as he tried to regain his composure.
“Oh Chris,” he sighed and fought the throbbing headache as he sat back up to take his ex-boyfriend's hand in his. “When I told you to be more spontaneous and get crazy once in a while I had no idea.”
Blue eyes stared up at him in confusion, brow furrowing with just a hint of anger and disappointment at being laughed at, and that was when Zach finally managed to be serious again. “I have the worst cold ever. My nose was constantly running and I had to take a lot of nose spray to get through all the interviews and press junkets. So my nose dried out and I got some panthenol ointment for it. And Friday night there was such a chaos before we had to go to the red carpet. The makeup artist was stuck in the traffic somewhere and there was this intern who did my makeup. She was so nervous and kept messing things up and had no clue what to do. She almost showered me in powder and... guess something must have gotten inside my nose.”
If possible, Chris looked even more confused now, his forehead in deep wrinkles as his pupils drifted back and forth. “Are you... you're not lying to me are you? Making up some cock and bull 'I am Paris Hilton and that wasn't my purse' story?”
Zach let out another breathless chuckle but shook his head. Stroking Chris' fingers with one hand he reached for the nightstand with the other and opened the drawer, pointing at aspirin, cough syrup and an assortment of other meds and tissues in there.
“Oh.”
“And the rough phase? He was talking about all the stress with the play and the holidays. I hadn't gotten much sleep and was just exhausted.”
Chris' gaze was still locked onto the nightstand, his mouth open as he withdrew his hand. “Oh... Oh! OH I'm such a fucking IDIOT!” Both hands covering his face he got up to his feet and turned around, letting out a frustrated and probably also highly embarrassed groan. “Oh this is just typical. For once in my fucking life I decide to do the right thing and then I'm just fucking up more than anyone in the history of fuck ups has ever fucked up. Oh god!”
He spun around and looked at Zach with a pained grimace on his features as he gulped. “You know what... I'm just... Shit Zach I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna leave and take my flight back to LA as planned and you forget I was ever here. And the horrible things I said about Jon and your friends and... I'm really so, so sorry.”
He was really about to head for the door, to leave again so quickly when Zach still hadn't fully processed what everything that had been said within the past five or maximum ten minutes meant. And while a part of him was a little hurt and angry that Chris had thought him so careless and stupid he could not let that happen.
“Wait,” he called out but refrained from getting up. He really needed to take his meds first and also have a nice hot cup of coffee even if he couldn't really taste anything.
Chris reluctantly turned around and looked at Zach like a lost puppy.
“Was it true?”
“Was what true?” Chris replied, not really meeting Zach's eyes.
“What you just said. That you would...” A voice told Zach that he shouldn't even go there, that it was better for him any everybody else if he didn't know. He had Jon now, and he was happy with him. But there in that moment, Zach knew that this might be his only chance to ever find out, and that he'd always ask himself if he didn't ask now. “That you would do things differently now. And that you still... love me?”
A sad smile crossed Chris' lips and he nodded, leaning against the wall of the narrow hotel room hallway. “I know I have no right to say that, but I do. I've... never stopped. I guess I was just too scared to make things work. You know.”
And Zach did. A part of him had understood even then that Chris' unwillingness to commit, his excuses for not coming to any more visits in New York hadn't been due to insufficient feelings. He had simply been scared of ending up as the one being left, of not fulfilling Zach's expectations and had then started to withdraw. Knowing Chris and his dating history, it made a whole lot of sense, and from a purely analytical point of view Zach had always understood it. But he had been too tired of it all, hurt and disappointed, to keep on hoping Chris would finally come around. And then, Jon had come along. And he had been sweet and caring and easy to figure out, and most of all willing to start something serious. He had been all Zach had always hoped Chris to be and yet...
A part of him had always known Jon simply wasn't 'the one' for him, but Zach had been willing to try to make it work under the pretense that the one he really wanted was simply unavailable for him. He had forced himself to grow up, be realistic and not chase a dream of some big fairytale-like romance. But now? He felt like such a jerk to even consider this, but... maybe everyone deserved a second chance.
“Would you have coffee with me?” He asked and looked back up into Chris' surprised face. “I mean, not now. I need to sleep and take a shower. But when I'm back in LA. Would you like to meet again and hang out?” It sounded noncommittal enough, he thought, not wanting to raise Chris' hopes too much.
Finally, Chris gave him a genuine smile and nodded. “Lamill?”
“Lamill,” Zach replied and smiled in return. “It's a date.”
As he watched Chris leave the hotel room, Zach found that the smile remained on his features for quite some time. He was under no illusion that a decision like the one he was considering was something that you could make over night. It required time and lots of thinking and self-reflection. He couldn't tell how he'd feel about this in four hours – the amount of time he planned to sleep - or two days, or three weeks.
But he wanted to find out.
~ The End ~
Okay, not really a happy end, but Zach would be so much of a jerk if he had taken Chris back right here while still dating Jon. But you all know how this is ending in my head ;)
And yes, I do feel better now. It may be naive but same as with everything it might as well just be true and there might be a really really silly explanation for what looked like coke in Zach's nose.
Don't stop believin'! ;)
(ETA: more and more evidence points toward this being really only a huge make up accident. Hm... that makes sense because while it *could* have been coke in his nose the stuff all OVER his face cannot. I was initially thinking it could be both, but of course, realistically, I like this new version much much better because OMG I was having a small freak out this morning. Phew!)
I just typed this up very quickly and it's not beta-read. If any of you would like to beta it please tell me. I'm sure there are tons of mistakes ;)
Title: Berlin Snow
Pairing: Pinto, mention of Grinto (Quoff? I hate both portmanteaus lol)
Rating: mild R for language
Genre: angst-ish
Summary: Chris is freaking out when he sees the pictures of Zach on the red carpet and draws a wrong conclusion.
Zach still stared at Chris as if he was seeing a mirage, unable to process with his clouded mind that his Star Trek co-star could really have gotten onto a plane and flown halfway across the planet for him. And the only explanation he could think of in that moment, at 5 am on a Sunday morning, was that something horrible must have happened. Or that he really was having a very odd dream.
"Chris... what are you d-"
"What I'm doing here? What I have to do!" he replied loudly, the door of the hotel room having barely closed before Chris started pacing a few steps through the entrance area.
Zach's hand reached for his head and he closed his eyes for a moment. "Could you please not shout like that? I have a headache."
"Oh yeah, I bet," Chris replied with a sarcastic, bitter snort. The situation Zach found himself in was so weird that he should have been overwhelmed with surprise and the need for an explanation, but the hammering in his skull as well as the shaky feeling in his legs prevented him from doing anything but slump back down on the edge of his bed and massage his temples until the throbbing pain had somewhat lessened.
"You really think I'd just stand by and watch you... you..." Chris flailed his arms in what seemed like an helpless effort to come up with words. "It's an intervention, Zach. Now you may think I stopped caring about you when things... ended, but that's not true! You were the one that completely stopped talking to me. And I didn't blame you. But I still care about you, and apparently I'm the only one that cares enough to get his ass on a plane and fly over here even when I have to be back in LA in thirty-six hours. So you're gonna listen to me now and you better listen good because I'm not leaving until you promise me something."
"Chris please, stop yelling. My skull feels like it's gonna fucking burst."
"I'M NOT YELLING!" Chris shouted and then added, still forcefully but a little quieter: "I mean... how do you expect me to stay calm at... at this?"
"Chris, I'm really glad we've established that you don't hate me but can you please tell me what the hell this is all about?" Zach barely more than whispered, not fully able to look back up at Chris and continuing to massage his temples.
"Well, I dunno, you tell me. Your new lifestyle maybe?"
Zach was simply too exhausted and numbed to make any reasonable connections, and a part of him did indeed consider the option that he was in some sort of feverish delirium. It wouldn't be the first time his mind had conjured Chris showing up when he wasn't conscious.
"Is this... is it about Jon?" he tried, finding it incredibly difficult to even form words right now.
Chris gave another bitter, snorted laugh. "Yeah that's a fine new boyfriend you have there, by the way. Looks like he doesn't give a shit and simply lets you do whatever you want."
The words caused a small wave of anger rush through Zach although they still didn't seem to make any coherent sense. Despite the pain that was not lessening he sat up a little straighter and looked up at Chris in defiance. "And who the hell are you to allow yourself to judge the person I'm dating?"
"Apparently someone with more brains!" he spat out angrily. "Now wait a minute, was it maybe he that got you to do that shit? Oh that's just great. You know, when I heard I first thought okay, I can live with that. The guy seems nice from what I've heard about him. But now... Oh man. I really thought better of you than being so stupid."
Anger mixed with more confusion as Zach watched Chris pace up and down the space in front of the bed, and finally he was able to force himself to ask the right questions. "Okay Chris. I give up. I really have no idea what the hell you're talking about. If you only came here to insult the guy I'm dating then I don't really give a damn if you still care about me or not. You're way out of line. And if your incomprehensible words had some other kind of hidden meaning that I can't wrap my mind around then please tell me as if I was five years old so that we can get whatever this is out of the way. What. Do. You. Want?" That really had cost him a lot of energy, and Zach was hardly able to fight the urge to simply let himself fall backwards onto the mattress and curl up in a fetal position until the pain would stop.
Chris just stared at him for a moment, his brow furrowed, his eyes tight slits of cold blue fury. Then, something in him seemed to crumble as he knelt down front of Zach and put a hand on his knee. “I want you to be okay,” he exclaimed with what almost sounded like a sob. “I want you to... to come home again and for everything to be as it was. And I want you to be alright and not... not, “he fished for words, “corrupted by the dubious characters you call your friends, like mediocre fashion models or whoever got you to go down that road. Because you're better than that and smarter than to do something so stupid as taking coke. And I'm just not gonna let you - “
“What?” Zach felt utterly dumbfounded, and the option that this really was a dream, one of those messed up, confusing and utterly irrational half-nightmares, seemed pretty likely. If it wasn't for how real Chris' hand on his knee felt, how real the familiar scent was and how real his voice sounded that had become hoarse with worry, regret and, he could have sworn, suppressed tears. The message, however...
“What makes you think I'm taking cocaine?” he asked, bewildered.
Chris shook his head and sighed. “I saw the pictures Zach. And I know who you associate with. And I talked to Joe before Christmas and he said you were having a 'rough phase'. Don't you think I can add two and two together?”
“Nooo, because...” Zach replied slowly, trying to wrap his mind around what he had just heard. “What pictures?”
“The pictures of you with coke up your nose that are all over the internet now. You may have broken ties with me last summer, but I... well I keep track on you. I read stuff, okay? Just needed to know how you're doing and apparently you're doing anything but well otherwise you wouldn't use that shit. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything because I know this is at least partially my fault, but you can't be doing this to yourself. You just can't and I won't let you because, damnit Zach, I still love you and I wish I could take everything back and start over but...”
Bursting out laughing when someone that once meant a great deal to you – still did – was close to tears must be the most horrible thing you could do. Still, Zach couldn't prevent it and felt relieved chuckles bubble from his chest as he let himself fall back onto his bed, covering his eyes and shaking his head at how ridiculous and perversely hilarious this whole situation was.
“Why... are you laughing?” It sounded more confused than reproachful and caused further giggles to come over Zach's lips as he tried to regain his composure.
“Oh Chris,” he sighed and fought the throbbing headache as he sat back up to take his ex-boyfriend's hand in his. “When I told you to be more spontaneous and get crazy once in a while I had no idea.”
Blue eyes stared up at him in confusion, brow furrowing with just a hint of anger and disappointment at being laughed at, and that was when Zach finally managed to be serious again. “I have the worst cold ever. My nose was constantly running and I had to take a lot of nose spray to get through all the interviews and press junkets. So my nose dried out and I got some panthenol ointment for it. And Friday night there was such a chaos before we had to go to the red carpet. The makeup artist was stuck in the traffic somewhere and there was this intern who did my makeup. She was so nervous and kept messing things up and had no clue what to do. She almost showered me in powder and... guess something must have gotten inside my nose.”
If possible, Chris looked even more confused now, his forehead in deep wrinkles as his pupils drifted back and forth. “Are you... you're not lying to me are you? Making up some cock and bull 'I am Paris Hilton and that wasn't my purse' story?”
Zach let out another breathless chuckle but shook his head. Stroking Chris' fingers with one hand he reached for the nightstand with the other and opened the drawer, pointing at aspirin, cough syrup and an assortment of other meds and tissues in there.
“Oh.”
“And the rough phase? He was talking about all the stress with the play and the holidays. I hadn't gotten much sleep and was just exhausted.”
Chris' gaze was still locked onto the nightstand, his mouth open as he withdrew his hand. “Oh... Oh! OH I'm such a fucking IDIOT!” Both hands covering his face he got up to his feet and turned around, letting out a frustrated and probably also highly embarrassed groan. “Oh this is just typical. For once in my fucking life I decide to do the right thing and then I'm just fucking up more than anyone in the history of fuck ups has ever fucked up. Oh god!”
He spun around and looked at Zach with a pained grimace on his features as he gulped. “You know what... I'm just... Shit Zach I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna leave and take my flight back to LA as planned and you forget I was ever here. And the horrible things I said about Jon and your friends and... I'm really so, so sorry.”
He was really about to head for the door, to leave again so quickly when Zach still hadn't fully processed what everything that had been said within the past five or maximum ten minutes meant. And while a part of him was a little hurt and angry that Chris had thought him so careless and stupid he could not let that happen.
“Wait,” he called out but refrained from getting up. He really needed to take his meds first and also have a nice hot cup of coffee even if he couldn't really taste anything.
Chris reluctantly turned around and looked at Zach like a lost puppy.
“Was it true?”
“Was what true?” Chris replied, not really meeting Zach's eyes.
“What you just said. That you would...” A voice told Zach that he shouldn't even go there, that it was better for him any everybody else if he didn't know. He had Jon now, and he was happy with him. But there in that moment, Zach knew that this might be his only chance to ever find out, and that he'd always ask himself if he didn't ask now. “That you would do things differently now. And that you still... love me?”
A sad smile crossed Chris' lips and he nodded, leaning against the wall of the narrow hotel room hallway. “I know I have no right to say that, but I do. I've... never stopped. I guess I was just too scared to make things work. You know.”
And Zach did. A part of him had understood even then that Chris' unwillingness to commit, his excuses for not coming to any more visits in New York hadn't been due to insufficient feelings. He had simply been scared of ending up as the one being left, of not fulfilling Zach's expectations and had then started to withdraw. Knowing Chris and his dating history, it made a whole lot of sense, and from a purely analytical point of view Zach had always understood it. But he had been too tired of it all, hurt and disappointed, to keep on hoping Chris would finally come around. And then, Jon had come along. And he had been sweet and caring and easy to figure out, and most of all willing to start something serious. He had been all Zach had always hoped Chris to be and yet...
A part of him had always known Jon simply wasn't 'the one' for him, but Zach had been willing to try to make it work under the pretense that the one he really wanted was simply unavailable for him. He had forced himself to grow up, be realistic and not chase a dream of some big fairytale-like romance. But now? He felt like such a jerk to even consider this, but... maybe everyone deserved a second chance.
“Would you have coffee with me?” He asked and looked back up into Chris' surprised face. “I mean, not now. I need to sleep and take a shower. But when I'm back in LA. Would you like to meet again and hang out?” It sounded noncommittal enough, he thought, not wanting to raise Chris' hopes too much.
Finally, Chris gave him a genuine smile and nodded. “Lamill?”
“Lamill,” Zach replied and smiled in return. “It's a date.”
As he watched Chris leave the hotel room, Zach found that the smile remained on his features for quite some time. He was under no illusion that a decision like the one he was considering was something that you could make over night. It required time and lots of thinking and self-reflection. He couldn't tell how he'd feel about this in four hours – the amount of time he planned to sleep - or two days, or three weeks.
But he wanted to find out.
~ The End ~
Okay, not really a happy end, but Zach would be so much of a jerk if he had taken Chris back right here while still dating Jon. But you all know how this is ending in my head ;)
And yes, I do feel better now. It may be naive but same as with everything it might as well just be true and there might be a really really silly explanation for what looked like coke in Zach's nose.
Don't stop believin'! ;)
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Date: 2011-02-12 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-12 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-12 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-15 12:02 am (UTC)error make up/lighting definitely 'cause it wasn't visible to see in real life - and yes, i was not 1 step away from him but the 5 to 20 meters in between? yeah it would have been hard to miss.