A Pragmatic Theory of Truth - 12/25
Jun. 20th, 2010 11:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leandraholmesTitle: A Pragmatic Theory of Truth
Chapter: 12 of 25 (1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11)
Word count: 3006 (~ 55,000 in total)
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
petbubble and leandralocke
Genre: Romance
Rating: PG - NC-17
Summary: One and a half years before the destruction of Vulcan, Spock meets an extraordinary young cadet during a lecture at Starfleet Academy. Their initial encounter is brief but intense, and affects both of them in ways they could never have imagined.
Authors' notes Thanks toblueeyed_secret for beta-reading.
This is our first multi-chapter Spock/Uhura fic, but it has been completed for a while. We are currently already working on follow-ups, so there's no need to worry that this might never be completed. We're just editing it chapter by chapter and having it beta-read now and should post a new chapter every few days.
The story is also online at Fanfiction.net
Two hours and seventeen minutes longer with the Achilles being held hostage by Klingons, and Starfleet would have sent other ships to the vessel's rescue. It didn't take a lot of thought to realize this would most likely have caused a peak in the conflict with the Klingon Empire; very often throughout history wars had been caused by minor incidents such as this. In the end, however, the U.S.S. Achilles had reported back to Starfleet Command just before the fleet could gather and thereby prevented an interstellar conflict. According to the captain's report, the Klingons that had held the ship hostage had been reasonable enough to see the possible dangers a war could bring and had declared it unnecessary in the light of such a minor misunderstanding.
Within the past three days, Spock had observed his mostly human colleagues to be tense and worried, and now, only half an hour after the relieving news had reached Headquarters, he found that the tension had visibly dropped from the humans. It was easy to relate to, even for a Vulcan.
Spock was on his way to one of the instructors' offices located in the Xenolinguistics department when, rounding a corner, he saw a familiar figure hastily rushing into an unused lab, letting the sliding doors close again. Curious what had caused the sudden haste, he changed his course and decided to go to the office later.
As he reached the door he pressed the button to let it open without prior announcement of his arrival as he would have done entering private facilities. It was a public classroom, and therefore unnecessary to wait for Cadet Uhura to invite him in.
She stood with her back to him as he stepped into the room, leaning over a desk, her arms braced against the piece of furniture. Her shoulders were shaking, but this time it was not with laughter. Moving closer he heard her; heaving sobs coming from her that she seemed unable to contain.
She must have heard the door close again behind him in that moment, because she suddenly stood upright and turned towards where he was standing.
"Gaila, just leave me- Oh."
Seeing that it wasn't her roommate but her instructor appeared to cause her further distress as a look of shame and anguish crossed her features.
"Co..commander Spock," she spoke through her sobs. "I…I'm sorry…I didn't know anyone…had seen…me."
The sight of her tears tore at him more than he had expected. It was a deep, physically perceptible feeling of sympathy that struck him then, even though he didn't know what the reason for her tears was. Immediately he crossed the distance between them. And barely stopped himself from reaching out to touch her in a sympathetic gesture, like his mother had always done when he, as a child, had felt sad or troubled, although having actually cried was not part of his active memory. "Cadet, what happened?" he asked instead, maintaining his distance.
Putting a hand over her mouth as if to stop the noise of her crying, Nyota squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She shook her head for several seconds, either unable or unwilling to answer him. Keeping her eyes closed she mumbled through her hand, then stopped, as if she knew that he wasn't able to understand what she was saying.
Her eyes were downcast as she lowered her hand, resting it on her stomach as she tried to breathe steadily. Partially successful, her voice cracked as she spoke. "The Achilles. I should be happy, but all I've done since I heard…all I've done is cry. I was just…so…worried." At these last words she broke down again, covering her face with her hands as her body was wracked with sobs.
Her reasoning appeared completely illogical to him then, and he could not even begin to understand why she shed not what looked like tears of joy but tears of pure despair. She had always seemed so strong to him, despite the few occasions she had acted shy and slightly intimidated, always a very controlled and balanced human. Determined, disciplined, intelligent. And he had admired her for each of these characteristics, had often found it difficult to remind himself that he was her instructor and a Vulcan on top of it who should not waste a second thought on something without any prospect. Seeing her so weak and fragile, so humanly flawed now should have logically made him realize more deeply how different they were and that these differences should be an obstacle not worth overcoming. Only why did he feel more drawn to her in this moment than ever before?
It did not matter that her crying made no sense to him; all he knew was that he wanted it to stop. Wanted her to feel better.
"Cadet Uhura," he said softly and lifted one hand to touch her upper arm, to gently soothe her trembling. "The crew of the Achilles is safe. There were no casualties," he explained , knowing that humans sometimes needed repeated affirmation of a fact to fully process its meaning. "Please do not cry... Nyota."
One of her hands left her face and reached for his shoulder, her fingers gripping the fabric of his uniform. As she did this, she had moved closer, almost using her grip on him to pull herself towards him, and leaned her forehead against his chest. He did not move away then, even though he should know, knew that allowing physical contact of this kind was completely inappropriate. Yet she seemed to need it so urgently, and he could not bring himself to push her away when she clearly sought the comfort. She stayed this way for a few breaths, her crying slowing before she tilted her head upwards, her forehead nudging his chin slightly.
"You called me… Nyota," she said quietly, sniffing a little as she continued to rub her forehead against his chin and neck. "Comm- …Spock. You said my name."
It was not the appropriate form of address from an instructor to a cadet, and he wondered how many more illogical and emotional responses she would cause in him.
"I did," he replied then and lowered his gaze to look into her eyes. Her face was still moist with tears, her beautiful brown eyes slightly red, and there were tiny creases on her forehead; all of them typically human signs of sorrow and grief. And he didn't want to see them any longer. In that moment, the only thing that seemed logical, the only thing that was right, was taking the sadness away from her. It was maybe the most instinctive thing he had ever done, when only two of her heartbeats later his lips gently touched hers, tasting the salty residue of her tears.
Her mouth froze for less than a second before she responded; her lips moving gently against his. As her fingers tightened their grip on his uniform sleeve, she lifted herself up on her toes, pressing her mouth firmer against his. Although her breathing had steadied somewhat, tears still fell slowly onto her cheeks from her closed eyes, and Spock was unsure if the kiss did help her at all. Endorphins should be released in her brain now, as they were in his. If she wanted this - and her response indicated that she at least wasn't opposed to it – she should feel light, stimulated, aroused, content. And it frustrated him that he was not able to understand her. That he felt her body, tiny and delicate in his arms, but knew nothing of her mind. And so he lifted one hand from around her arm and brought it to her temple, not hesitating or contemplating the consequences this time as he had done the night they had first met.
Gasping, she broke the kiss and opened her eyes, staring at him. Her gaze flickered between his own and up towards where his fingers made contact with her temple. A bewildered expression on her face, her lips moved and whilst no sound came out, she seemed to be thinking aloud. Her heart rate increased for no more than a dozen beats before it started to settle again, eventually calming to a rate slower than it had been since she moved closer to him.
"Spock. Is that...? I can… feel you," she spoke softly, a sense of wonderment in her voice. "I can feel that you're worried… concerned. Confused? About me?"
He tilted his head and regarded her as the link slowly became more solid, connecting their minds more deeply, yet, of course, a lot less explicitly than a true mind meld would have done. He felt her surprise and mutual confusion – clearly this experience was most unusual for both of them, but when he reached deeper, finding no resistance on her side, he felt the tension in her, overwhelming relief but at the same time pain. And then, when he felt the various layers of it pour from her mind into his, he understood what she had been through, felt her need to stay strong, to function normally under the pressure of worry. And he furthermore felt the tiniest residue of denial. She had suppressed her fears, fought them until the moment she had not needed to do so any longer, allowing to collapse upon her what she had contained within.
But there was more he could feel, so much more than he expected. Her emotions seemed so strong and vivid, a manifold accumulation of so many feelings and thoughts that they seemed to overwhelm him, and although he was fascinated by them he needed to break the link, feeling that he was already getting lost in the chaotic patterns of a mind that was so different from his own.
"As you are about me," he stated then, feeling rational thought regaining control over his mind.
"You read that? Well, of course you could, you must be used to this. Probably practiced since you were a kid. Though humans must be kind of confusing. But wow, Spock…I could feel your curiosity, your concern. Your…emotions…" Obviously realizing she was starting to babble, Nyota slowed and stopped there. There was a slight smile on her face and she looked like she was still listening, her head titled slightly. Her own fingers touching her temple where his had been she continued "I could feel that too. I wasn't sure if you felt that way about me too..."
Her smile froze slightly as she blinked. She seemed to suddenly realize how close they were standing together, and who exactly they were. Instructor and cadet. Although she didn't move away from him, her grip loosened on his sleeve and she held her head very still.
And once more he was impressed by how strong-willed she was, compared to other humans... even compared to him at this moment. Had he let his actions be guided by logic alone, he would not have kissed her, he would have seen the flaw in the supposed logic of his earlier reasoning. And with a sudden sense of shock, even disgust he realized that what he had just done had not only been a violation of Starfleet regulation but also an act against everything he had been taught throughout his life. Against any logic and reason. And he should have known, should have realized, should have remembered.
And yet she had been right. He did feel... something. Something he could not name or label, something he had not yet experienced, but something that simply was… there. Would denying it not be just another way of lying? And did he, as a half-human, not function by a different inner logic than any other Vulcans?
He saw that Nyota had been watching him as closely as he had her, her brow furrowed. As her eyes roamed over his face, pausing briefly on his mouth, her fingers tightened again on the fabric of his uniform. "Spock, what are we doing? Starfleet regulations clearly state that instructors and cadets must not engage in romantic relationships. If we're caught…" her voice trailed off as gaze lowered, her eyes narrowed in thought. Taking a deep breath, she spoke again before he had a chance to respond. "I don't care. In fact, I don't give a damn about regulations. I want this, and I think I felt that you want this too." As she looked up at him again, her other hand reached up and cupped his face, pulling it slowly to hers as she spoke again "I just don't care – do you understand?" and with that she lifted her mouth to his and kissed him.
Spock immediately felt his body reacting to the kiss, a tingling feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach, adrenaline and endorphins being pumped through his blood system with every fast-paced heartbeat. Yet it were her earlier words that were most prominent in his memory, the truth that lay in them. They would risk both their careers, their entire future. Everything they had been working on would be destroyed. And for what? For giving in to irrational human temptation, a trick of the mind and body that made them, him – the human and flawed part of his mind - believe he needed this. Made his physical desires cloud his judgment. Made him act... illogically.
He tore away from her then, with more force than would have been necessary. Only his hands were still on her shoulders, holding her at distance rather than not being able to let go.
"I do not know what you think you felt, cadet," he said, slightly surprised at how cool his own voice suddenly sounded – all reason, no emotion. "Although I should not have acted on it, I cannot deny a certain attraction of the physical kind. However, it would be unwise to put both our – as I think highly promising – careers at risk for something based on a mere misinterpretation on your part."
A range of emotions flashed over her face as he spoke. The desire for him faded and was replaced with confusion, disappointment, embarrassment and finally anger as she stumbled backwards, shrugging his hands from her shoulders. Her face was flushed and she was breathing heavily as she stared at him. Her eyes, which only moments before had been wide open and filled with a light he had never seen previously, were now dark and narrowed as they searched his face, as though looking for something specific.
"A misinterpretation? I thought that-," she stopped herself and looked down at the floor between them. Squeezing her eyes closed tightly she breathed in for a count of three before releasing it, raising her head to look at him again, her expression flat and her tone cold and professional.
"Commander Spock. I apologize for my earlier behavior towards you. I was distressed and obviously…" her voice cracked a little, showing that she obviously still was distressed, though probably for a different reason now. Swallowing hard she continued. "I was distressed and obviously mistook a professional query into my well-being as something different."
"Do not apologize," he said, not only because clearly, she wasn't to blame for it alone but also because he was aware about having hurt her feelings. It was much too easy to do for a Vulcan that could hardly relate to them. Or could he?
He saw her shame and discomfort, and he couldn't deny that he, too, did experience it. He was ashamed about letting his emotions take control over him, and about doing something he clearly, absolutely, should not have done. "My behavior was anything but professional. I am sorry. I should not have raised false hopes in you. And I should have been more sensible than approaching you in a moment of emotional weakness in such an untoward manner. It will not happen again."
It could not, it never should have. Just why did that promise made him feel... regret?
He saw that her bottom lip had begun to tremble, the only visible sign that she was upset, though it wasn't clear whether this was because of her shame or anger about his reaction – or a combination of both. Nodding slowly, her gaze slid off his face to a point just beyond his right ear. She pressed her lips together, breathing through her nose, her nostrils flaring a little as she placed her hands behind her back, not quite standing to attention, but very nearly.
"Thank you for being understanding, Commander. Your concern was appreciated, though next time I am… emotionally weakened… I will remember to lock the door behind me." Her tone, though measured was still quite harsh and her lip curled slightly as she spoke. Her eyes filled again, and she blinked several times clearly in an attempt to control the tears that threatened to fall. Trying to regulate her breathing she continued. "I am sorry to have distracted you from whatever your plans were for this evening. I hope I have not caused you any inconvenience."
Watching her so obviously hurt by the situation, it surprised Spock that her rational and quite logical words combined with such an open display of emotion tore at him so deeply. For several seconds all he could think about was touching her face where the tears had fallen over her cheeks and he initially struggled to regain his inner composure. Breathing deeply, he smoothed his expression to hide his conflict from her as much as possible, whilst shifting from one foot to the other to gain even more distance from her. Unable at that moment to find any logical solution to the problem that had been mutually created, and knowing no other appropriate words, he only said: "I will see you in class on Thursday, cadet Uhura." Without waiting for a response from her he did the only thing he could internally justify and turned, leaving the room with more haste than he would normally have found necessary.
~ TBC ~
Chapter 13
A/N: Are you all watching the world cup and not reading or were the last few chapters too short and uneventful for reviewing? ;-) We hope this one rouses more reactions. Feel free to hate us for how mean we were here, hehe.
But seriously, as authors we'd like to know what you think about this. Did you expect anything like this to happen? Even while reading the kiss, did you already fear Spock would change his mind and logically 'come to his senses'? Or did that come unexpectedly? And, most of all, what do you expect to happen next? ;-)
We'd really love to hear your comments.
Chapter: 12 of 25 (1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11)
Word count: 3006 (~ 55,000 in total)
Authors:
petbubble and leandralockeGenre: Romance
Rating: PG - NC-17
Summary: One and a half years before the destruction of Vulcan, Spock meets an extraordinary young cadet during a lecture at Starfleet Academy. Their initial encounter is brief but intense, and affects both of them in ways they could never have imagined.
Authors' notes Thanks to
blueeyed_secret for beta-reading. This is our first multi-chapter Spock/Uhura fic, but it has been completed for a while. We are currently already working on follow-ups, so there's no need to worry that this might never be completed. We're just editing it chapter by chapter and having it beta-read now and should post a new chapter every few days.
The story is also online at Fanfiction.net
Two hours and seventeen minutes longer with the Achilles being held hostage by Klingons, and Starfleet would have sent other ships to the vessel's rescue. It didn't take a lot of thought to realize this would most likely have caused a peak in the conflict with the Klingon Empire; very often throughout history wars had been caused by minor incidents such as this. In the end, however, the U.S.S. Achilles had reported back to Starfleet Command just before the fleet could gather and thereby prevented an interstellar conflict. According to the captain's report, the Klingons that had held the ship hostage had been reasonable enough to see the possible dangers a war could bring and had declared it unnecessary in the light of such a minor misunderstanding.
Within the past three days, Spock had observed his mostly human colleagues to be tense and worried, and now, only half an hour after the relieving news had reached Headquarters, he found that the tension had visibly dropped from the humans. It was easy to relate to, even for a Vulcan.
Spock was on his way to one of the instructors' offices located in the Xenolinguistics department when, rounding a corner, he saw a familiar figure hastily rushing into an unused lab, letting the sliding doors close again. Curious what had caused the sudden haste, he changed his course and decided to go to the office later.
As he reached the door he pressed the button to let it open without prior announcement of his arrival as he would have done entering private facilities. It was a public classroom, and therefore unnecessary to wait for Cadet Uhura to invite him in.
She stood with her back to him as he stepped into the room, leaning over a desk, her arms braced against the piece of furniture. Her shoulders were shaking, but this time it was not with laughter. Moving closer he heard her; heaving sobs coming from her that she seemed unable to contain.
She must have heard the door close again behind him in that moment, because she suddenly stood upright and turned towards where he was standing.
"Gaila, just leave me- Oh."
Seeing that it wasn't her roommate but her instructor appeared to cause her further distress as a look of shame and anguish crossed her features.
"Co..commander Spock," she spoke through her sobs. "I…I'm sorry…I didn't know anyone…had seen…me."
The sight of her tears tore at him more than he had expected. It was a deep, physically perceptible feeling of sympathy that struck him then, even though he didn't know what the reason for her tears was. Immediately he crossed the distance between them. And barely stopped himself from reaching out to touch her in a sympathetic gesture, like his mother had always done when he, as a child, had felt sad or troubled, although having actually cried was not part of his active memory. "Cadet, what happened?" he asked instead, maintaining his distance.
Putting a hand over her mouth as if to stop the noise of her crying, Nyota squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She shook her head for several seconds, either unable or unwilling to answer him. Keeping her eyes closed she mumbled through her hand, then stopped, as if she knew that he wasn't able to understand what she was saying.
Her eyes were downcast as she lowered her hand, resting it on her stomach as she tried to breathe steadily. Partially successful, her voice cracked as she spoke. "The Achilles. I should be happy, but all I've done since I heard…all I've done is cry. I was just…so…worried." At these last words she broke down again, covering her face with her hands as her body was wracked with sobs.
Her reasoning appeared completely illogical to him then, and he could not even begin to understand why she shed not what looked like tears of joy but tears of pure despair. She had always seemed so strong to him, despite the few occasions she had acted shy and slightly intimidated, always a very controlled and balanced human. Determined, disciplined, intelligent. And he had admired her for each of these characteristics, had often found it difficult to remind himself that he was her instructor and a Vulcan on top of it who should not waste a second thought on something without any prospect. Seeing her so weak and fragile, so humanly flawed now should have logically made him realize more deeply how different they were and that these differences should be an obstacle not worth overcoming. Only why did he feel more drawn to her in this moment than ever before?
It did not matter that her crying made no sense to him; all he knew was that he wanted it to stop. Wanted her to feel better.
"Cadet Uhura," he said softly and lifted one hand to touch her upper arm, to gently soothe her trembling. "The crew of the Achilles is safe. There were no casualties," he explained , knowing that humans sometimes needed repeated affirmation of a fact to fully process its meaning. "Please do not cry... Nyota."
One of her hands left her face and reached for his shoulder, her fingers gripping the fabric of his uniform. As she did this, she had moved closer, almost using her grip on him to pull herself towards him, and leaned her forehead against his chest. He did not move away then, even though he should know, knew that allowing physical contact of this kind was completely inappropriate. Yet she seemed to need it so urgently, and he could not bring himself to push her away when she clearly sought the comfort. She stayed this way for a few breaths, her crying slowing before she tilted her head upwards, her forehead nudging his chin slightly.
"You called me… Nyota," she said quietly, sniffing a little as she continued to rub her forehead against his chin and neck. "Comm- …Spock. You said my name."
It was not the appropriate form of address from an instructor to a cadet, and he wondered how many more illogical and emotional responses she would cause in him.
"I did," he replied then and lowered his gaze to look into her eyes. Her face was still moist with tears, her beautiful brown eyes slightly red, and there were tiny creases on her forehead; all of them typically human signs of sorrow and grief. And he didn't want to see them any longer. In that moment, the only thing that seemed logical, the only thing that was right, was taking the sadness away from her. It was maybe the most instinctive thing he had ever done, when only two of her heartbeats later his lips gently touched hers, tasting the salty residue of her tears.
Her mouth froze for less than a second before she responded; her lips moving gently against his. As her fingers tightened their grip on his uniform sleeve, she lifted herself up on her toes, pressing her mouth firmer against his. Although her breathing had steadied somewhat, tears still fell slowly onto her cheeks from her closed eyes, and Spock was unsure if the kiss did help her at all. Endorphins should be released in her brain now, as they were in his. If she wanted this - and her response indicated that she at least wasn't opposed to it – she should feel light, stimulated, aroused, content. And it frustrated him that he was not able to understand her. That he felt her body, tiny and delicate in his arms, but knew nothing of her mind. And so he lifted one hand from around her arm and brought it to her temple, not hesitating or contemplating the consequences this time as he had done the night they had first met.
Gasping, she broke the kiss and opened her eyes, staring at him. Her gaze flickered between his own and up towards where his fingers made contact with her temple. A bewildered expression on her face, her lips moved and whilst no sound came out, she seemed to be thinking aloud. Her heart rate increased for no more than a dozen beats before it started to settle again, eventually calming to a rate slower than it had been since she moved closer to him.
"Spock. Is that...? I can… feel you," she spoke softly, a sense of wonderment in her voice. "I can feel that you're worried… concerned. Confused? About me?"
He tilted his head and regarded her as the link slowly became more solid, connecting their minds more deeply, yet, of course, a lot less explicitly than a true mind meld would have done. He felt her surprise and mutual confusion – clearly this experience was most unusual for both of them, but when he reached deeper, finding no resistance on her side, he felt the tension in her, overwhelming relief but at the same time pain. And then, when he felt the various layers of it pour from her mind into his, he understood what she had been through, felt her need to stay strong, to function normally under the pressure of worry. And he furthermore felt the tiniest residue of denial. She had suppressed her fears, fought them until the moment she had not needed to do so any longer, allowing to collapse upon her what she had contained within.
But there was more he could feel, so much more than he expected. Her emotions seemed so strong and vivid, a manifold accumulation of so many feelings and thoughts that they seemed to overwhelm him, and although he was fascinated by them he needed to break the link, feeling that he was already getting lost in the chaotic patterns of a mind that was so different from his own.
"As you are about me," he stated then, feeling rational thought regaining control over his mind.
"You read that? Well, of course you could, you must be used to this. Probably practiced since you were a kid. Though humans must be kind of confusing. But wow, Spock…I could feel your curiosity, your concern. Your…emotions…" Obviously realizing she was starting to babble, Nyota slowed and stopped there. There was a slight smile on her face and she looked like she was still listening, her head titled slightly. Her own fingers touching her temple where his had been she continued "I could feel that too. I wasn't sure if you felt that way about me too..."
Her smile froze slightly as she blinked. She seemed to suddenly realize how close they were standing together, and who exactly they were. Instructor and cadet. Although she didn't move away from him, her grip loosened on his sleeve and she held her head very still.
And once more he was impressed by how strong-willed she was, compared to other humans... even compared to him at this moment. Had he let his actions be guided by logic alone, he would not have kissed her, he would have seen the flaw in the supposed logic of his earlier reasoning. And with a sudden sense of shock, even disgust he realized that what he had just done had not only been a violation of Starfleet regulation but also an act against everything he had been taught throughout his life. Against any logic and reason. And he should have known, should have realized, should have remembered.
And yet she had been right. He did feel... something. Something he could not name or label, something he had not yet experienced, but something that simply was… there. Would denying it not be just another way of lying? And did he, as a half-human, not function by a different inner logic than any other Vulcans?
He saw that Nyota had been watching him as closely as he had her, her brow furrowed. As her eyes roamed over his face, pausing briefly on his mouth, her fingers tightened again on the fabric of his uniform. "Spock, what are we doing? Starfleet regulations clearly state that instructors and cadets must not engage in romantic relationships. If we're caught…" her voice trailed off as gaze lowered, her eyes narrowed in thought. Taking a deep breath, she spoke again before he had a chance to respond. "I don't care. In fact, I don't give a damn about regulations. I want this, and I think I felt that you want this too." As she looked up at him again, her other hand reached up and cupped his face, pulling it slowly to hers as she spoke again "I just don't care – do you understand?" and with that she lifted her mouth to his and kissed him.
Spock immediately felt his body reacting to the kiss, a tingling feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach, adrenaline and endorphins being pumped through his blood system with every fast-paced heartbeat. Yet it were her earlier words that were most prominent in his memory, the truth that lay in them. They would risk both their careers, their entire future. Everything they had been working on would be destroyed. And for what? For giving in to irrational human temptation, a trick of the mind and body that made them, him – the human and flawed part of his mind - believe he needed this. Made his physical desires cloud his judgment. Made him act... illogically.
He tore away from her then, with more force than would have been necessary. Only his hands were still on her shoulders, holding her at distance rather than not being able to let go.
"I do not know what you think you felt, cadet," he said, slightly surprised at how cool his own voice suddenly sounded – all reason, no emotion. "Although I should not have acted on it, I cannot deny a certain attraction of the physical kind. However, it would be unwise to put both our – as I think highly promising – careers at risk for something based on a mere misinterpretation on your part."
A range of emotions flashed over her face as he spoke. The desire for him faded and was replaced with confusion, disappointment, embarrassment and finally anger as she stumbled backwards, shrugging his hands from her shoulders. Her face was flushed and she was breathing heavily as she stared at him. Her eyes, which only moments before had been wide open and filled with a light he had never seen previously, were now dark and narrowed as they searched his face, as though looking for something specific.
"A misinterpretation? I thought that-," she stopped herself and looked down at the floor between them. Squeezing her eyes closed tightly she breathed in for a count of three before releasing it, raising her head to look at him again, her expression flat and her tone cold and professional.
"Commander Spock. I apologize for my earlier behavior towards you. I was distressed and obviously…" her voice cracked a little, showing that she obviously still was distressed, though probably for a different reason now. Swallowing hard she continued. "I was distressed and obviously mistook a professional query into my well-being as something different."
"Do not apologize," he said, not only because clearly, she wasn't to blame for it alone but also because he was aware about having hurt her feelings. It was much too easy to do for a Vulcan that could hardly relate to them. Or could he?
He saw her shame and discomfort, and he couldn't deny that he, too, did experience it. He was ashamed about letting his emotions take control over him, and about doing something he clearly, absolutely, should not have done. "My behavior was anything but professional. I am sorry. I should not have raised false hopes in you. And I should have been more sensible than approaching you in a moment of emotional weakness in such an untoward manner. It will not happen again."
It could not, it never should have. Just why did that promise made him feel... regret?
He saw that her bottom lip had begun to tremble, the only visible sign that she was upset, though it wasn't clear whether this was because of her shame or anger about his reaction – or a combination of both. Nodding slowly, her gaze slid off his face to a point just beyond his right ear. She pressed her lips together, breathing through her nose, her nostrils flaring a little as she placed her hands behind her back, not quite standing to attention, but very nearly.
"Thank you for being understanding, Commander. Your concern was appreciated, though next time I am… emotionally weakened… I will remember to lock the door behind me." Her tone, though measured was still quite harsh and her lip curled slightly as she spoke. Her eyes filled again, and she blinked several times clearly in an attempt to control the tears that threatened to fall. Trying to regulate her breathing she continued. "I am sorry to have distracted you from whatever your plans were for this evening. I hope I have not caused you any inconvenience."
Watching her so obviously hurt by the situation, it surprised Spock that her rational and quite logical words combined with such an open display of emotion tore at him so deeply. For several seconds all he could think about was touching her face where the tears had fallen over her cheeks and he initially struggled to regain his inner composure. Breathing deeply, he smoothed his expression to hide his conflict from her as much as possible, whilst shifting from one foot to the other to gain even more distance from her. Unable at that moment to find any logical solution to the problem that had been mutually created, and knowing no other appropriate words, he only said: "I will see you in class on Thursday, cadet Uhura." Without waiting for a response from her he did the only thing he could internally justify and turned, leaving the room with more haste than he would normally have found necessary.
~ TBC ~
Chapter 13
A/N: Are you all watching the world cup and not reading or were the last few chapters too short and uneventful for reviewing? ;-) We hope this one rouses more reactions. Feel free to hate us for how mean we were here, hehe.
But seriously, as authors we'd like to know what you think about this. Did you expect anything like this to happen? Even while reading the kiss, did you already fear Spock would change his mind and logically 'come to his senses'? Or did that come unexpectedly? And, most of all, what do you expect to happen next? ;-)
We'd really love to hear your comments.
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Date: 2010-06-20 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 05:32 am (UTC)And no, it's not good at all, Spock's being quite the logical jerk, huh?
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Date: 2010-06-20 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 05:34 am (UTC)Glad you're still enjoying this.
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Date: 2010-06-21 03:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 05:39 am (UTC)And yeah I agree, although I "am" (writing) Spock, he at least deserves to feel really bad about this.
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Date: 2010-06-21 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-21 05:42 am (UTC)Thanks for your comment!
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Date: 2010-06-21 10:02 am (UTC)I feel bad for Nyota and i loved how she pulled herself together and acted the way she did.
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Date: 2010-06-22 05:31 pm (UTC)Yeah, Spock did show a soft side there, but he's not ready to let it come through completely.